‘Common’ or ‘Rare,’ Your Experience is Unique: Dealing with ‘The Statistic Trap’ from Grief Counseling Seattle
Grief is Universal, Not Simple
*Triggering Warning: Mention of miscarriage and stillbirth.*
A phrase I say all the time in my practice, is just because something is common, doesn’t mean it’s an easy experience. At the same time, if an event is statistically rare, it doesn’t make you feel any better. The statistic trap is getting stuck in numbers that have nothing to do your actual experience. Whether statistically speaking your experience is ‘common’ or ‘rare,’ what really matters is your unique situation. Grief is a universal emotion, felt at some point by every human on the planet. Loss in some form happens to everyone. Simply because an emotion is universal doesn’t make it simple. Grief and loss are complex both in rare and common forms.
All of these losses can be common or rare, but look unique given your context:
Image from Pexels by Shvetsa 11/24/25
· Relationships Changes
· Physical Changes
· Identity Changes
· Changes in abilities
· Career or work changes
· Births and Deaths
· Pregnancy Loss
· Fertility Challenges
· Grieving what was ‘normal’
· Grieving a way of life
· Grieving expectations
· Grieving safety
· Ambiguous Loss
· Trauma
Kinds of grief and loss I work with where it’s easy to get caught up in numbers and statistics:
· Reproductive Health Challenges
· Chronic Health Challenges
· Pregnancy/Pregnancy Loss/Infant Loss
· Infertility/Trying to Conceive
· Influence of the Patriarchy
The implications of the labels as ‘statistically common or rare’ have no directly link with a person’s ability to get through difficulty. The rarity of a client’s experience might impact access to support and/or resources. However, feelings aren’t proportional to data. Therefore, someone who experiences a statistically common loss can feel alone, and so can someone who is experiencing a rarer form of loss. They both can feel profoundly alone.
Image from Pexels by Liza Summer 11/14/25
Things That Impact Your Ability to Deal With Any Grief or Loss:
· Trauma history
· Family history
· Cultural background
· Current supports (personal and professional)
· Coping skills
· Co-morbidities (mental or physical)
Grief is Unique to You—You Aren’t a Statistic
It’s important to realize that the language you use shapes your experiences and the people around you. Many of my clients have heard “oh this is really common.” This kind of language can make you feel dismissed and invalidated. You might think, ‘oh, okay, great. I shouldn’t be feeling overwhelmed because this happens to a lot of people.’ Things like pregnancy loss in the first trimester is common, but guess what? It’s really hard and sad. In my experience, sharing facts like 1 in 4 pregnancies in the first trimester will end in miscarriage isn’t helpful to a person experiencing a miscarriage in their first trimester.
On the flip side, when you’ve experienced an event that statistically is rare, it can feel like the world is out to get you. It’s easy to look at other peoples’ suffering and almost be jealous of ‘common’ problems. For example, imagine being told after you deliver your baby at full term, discovering they are stillborn, and being told, ‘well it’s super rare, so it shouldn’t happen again.’ In that moment, that’s not what you need to hear.
Image from Pexels by Shvetsa 11/24/25
The trap of seeing yourself and your grief within statistics is that you are so much more than a number. A percentage doesn’t show your life story. It doesn’t show your strengths, your challenges, your grit. It doesn’t show the future, or how to get through difficult situations. A percentage doesn’t give you guarantees, any direction.
Getting stuck in statistics often leads people to compare themselves to others. The death of joy is comparison. This is the same for grief and loss. I call this comparison ‘competitive suffering.’ It’s the idea that in your brain, you go back and forth over who had it worse. While at the end of the day, it just makes you feel awful.
You ‘Should Be Over It’—Releasing the Timeline of Grief
As you’ve seen, the outside world loves to put you in boxes and label events in your life. Just as you’re challenging the influence of concepts like ‘common’ or ‘rare’ it’s also important to remember that no outside force can tell you that you need to be ‘over it’ or ‘done’ grieving. Putting these constraints on yourself or letting other peoples’ constraints get to you is unhelpful and harmful. The grief you’re experiencing will most likely be with you for a long time. The goal isn’t to get rid of an emotional experience, but for it to adapt to you with time. You will have different relationships with your grief, loss, and struggles throughout your life. That’s okay. This grief will be a passenger alongside you. You will get to influence your relationship with it. It ultimately won’t be dictated by statistics, outsiders, or labels, but by your uniqueness.
Seattle Grief Counseling Can Help You Process Your Unique Experience
By nature of the specialities I work with, I often see clients dealing with unique diagnosis, diseases, and physical challenges. I also deal with more common but challenging experiences such as anxiety, pregnancy loss and medical trauma. Therapy is about you getting the specific care that is unique to you. If I think another provider will better fit your unique situation, I will refer you to them. You are more than a statistic. Your experiences are important, your emotions are valid, and you deserve to be heard. Reach out and schedule a free consultation today with the link below.
About the Author: Seattle Washington Therapist, Chelsea Kramer LMFT PMH-C
Chelsea Kramer is a Seattle Therapist who works with individual and families facing grief, anxiety, reproductive and medical mental health concerns.
Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma
Learn more about Chelsea
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