How to Support Someone You Love with a Chronic Illness or Health Issues from Experienced Seattle LMFT
Image from Pexels by Angela Roma 7/20/26
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with individuals, couples and families facing acute and chronic health concerns, it’s not uncommon for me to work with clients who are not the ‘identified patient’ within the healthcare system. It’s lovely when spouses, parents, siblings and even friends seek out therapy to discover how they can be more supportive to their loved one facing health challenges. Of course, everyone is unique and may need different forms of support. This blog post addresses some general guidelines on how you can best support your loved one. If you are looking for more specific support, I encourage you to reach out to me directly. I offer free consultations to see if I’m a good fit for your needs. If not, I can usually direct you to another resource.
Don’t Assume: Allow Your Loved One to Define ‘Support’
One of the worst things you can do while supporting your loved one facing a health issue is assume you know what ‘support’ means to them. Not only can this be wildly different depending on the person, but it can also change at any time. Ask yourself, what is going to be supportive? If you don’t know, ask. Or offer up a few things you can do and see if that would be helpful. This will also depend on the nature of your relationship. For example, if your spouse has mobility issues, at times they might appreciate some physical support and other times want to do things themselves. Be mindful that what is supportive can change and be open to that flexibility.
Get Curious
The person facing unique health challenges doesn’t necessarily want to spend their time educating everyone in their lives about their condition. Some people will be more open to speaking about it than others. It can be helpful for you to investigate the basics of their condition yourself. For example, I work with a lot of people utilizing assisted reproductive technologies. Instead of asking your loved one about this process, search the internet for reliable health information yourself. Also understand that not everyone with a specific diagnosis has the same experience. Understanding a general basis of knowledge about a condition will help you learn more about your loved one’s unique experience. Respect how much they do or don’t want to talk about it.
Empathy: Cognitive, Emotional, and Experiential
Most people understand empathy. Essentially, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, feeling what they are feeling. This is different than sympathy which is feeling pity for someone. I think it can be helpful to understand empathy in three different ways, cognitive, emotional, and experiential. Empathy is important, while acknowledging you never fully understand another person’s experience because you haven’t lived it. That’s where other pieces of advice in this blog come into play.
Image from Unsplash by Jon Tyson 7/20/26
Cognitive:
Cognitive empathy is that mental exercise of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagining what it may be like.
Emotional:
Have you ever felt sad, mad, hopeful or discouraged before? Then you can empathize with your loved one when they are facing certain emotional experiences due to their health issue. Emotional empathy is a human superpower because we all experience the wide range of human emotions, it just plays out very uniquely.
Experiential:
If you’ve ever experienced an illness or injury, you can utilize your experience to empathize with not having full control over your body or how you feel. You can’t of course FULLY understand your loved one’s experience because it’s theirs and theirs alone. But having even a small experience to draw upon can help with this type of empathy.
Understanding Privilege and Intersectionality
Understand that if you are able bodied, you are coming from a place of privilege when interacting with your loved one. Understanding your privilege is something to be mindful of, it’s a piece of the puzzle that may impact your relationships in ways you don’t even realize. Humans are complex and your identities are intersectional, meaning you aren’t just one label. Be mindful of how your intersectionality and the intersectional identities of your loved one interact. For example, I work with many women facing acute and chronic health issues. If they are in a heterosexual relationship, it’s often difficult for cis-men to fully understand the experience of women within the medical system. Privilege and identity can lead to biases and assumptions. We all have them. It’s not something you need to feel bad about, rather be mindful of imbedded messaging, explore it, challenge it, and protect your interactions with loved ones from anything that you need to work through on your own.
Listening vs. Advice Giving
When interacting with your loved one around their health issues or just in daily interactions, it’s helpful to distinguish between listening and advice giving. It’s okay to clarify and ask for what your loved one needs out of a specific interaction. I often see well intentioned people give advice when it isn’t asked for. For the person on the other end, that can feel dismissive and invalidating. Listening requires paying attention and reflecting to make sure you understand correctly. Reflect on your urge to give advice. It may be part of your own journey of sitting with discomfort, a process that is only yours.
Consent Based Communication
Thankfully, consent has been a hot topic in recently years. I’ve been thinking about consent in terms of communication. When you are close with someone, it’s often the case that you don’t think before opening your mouth. It’s great that you feel you can be open and honest with this person, but you may not be as mindful in your communication skills with people you’re close with. How can consent apply to communication?
Image from Unsplash by Rajiv Perera 7/20/26
· Use a gentle start up, ask if it’s a good time to discuss a certain topic.
· If the person says ‘no, it isn’t a good time,’ ask when you can check in again or when they might think they could be open to having that conversation.
· Be mindful of the contextual factors surrounding a conversation. For example: If you’re loved one isn’t a morning person, don’t spur a conversation first thing in the morning.
· Consent goes both ways. If your loved one wants to discuss something and you’re not in a calm/open state, let them know it isn’t a good time, but let them know when you can return to the conversation.
This sort of intentional consent-based communication will support more challenging conversations by making sure all parties are fully entering a discussion by choice, not be ‘falling’ into it. I find with couples, it helps build intimacy by feeling seen, heard, and validated.
Moving Forward in Support
If you’ve gotten to the end of this blog, that’s awesome. It means you really want to show up for your loved one in a meaningful way. That humility and true desire to show up will go a long way. Remember, the helpers need helpers. No one can flourish without love, support and community. If you find yourself being a main support system for a loved one with health issues, make sure you take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Get support today and schedule a free consultation through the link below.
About the Author: Seattle Washington Therapist, Chelsea Kramer LMFT PMH-C
Chelsea Kramer is a Seattle Therapist who works with individual and families facing grief, anxiety, reproductive and medical mental health concerns.
Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma
Learn more about Chelsea
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